Sunday, August 19, 2012

Just because you can....

So, the other night, I went out to dinner with a few friends.  As we're sitting there a couple comes in and sits next to us.  First off, let me tell you that when you're on a date, I really don't think you need to sit next to each other on the same side of the table.  It just looks creepy.  There's are chairs on both sides of the table for a reason.  USE THEM.  Then, to make matters worse, you for some reason think you need to sit there and be all lovey dovey with each other and make out... Um, the rest of us would rather not regurge our dinner thank you very much.  There is a time and a place for your little love fest, and sitting on the same side of a table at a restaurant full of people is NOT that place!

Now, the original reason for telling this is to ephasize one cardinal rule... JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD!  Let me elaborate a little bit...

Just because a store has the cutest pair of little shorts and they come in your size, does not by any means mean you should put them on your body and go into public.  This just happens way too much.  Now, I will be completely honest, I'm not drop dead geourgous and I'm not thin by any means, so I'm definitely grouped in this catagory, which is why I believe it is ok for me to be saying this.  Listen, I'm all for a a healthy body image.  I think a high self esteem and confidence can be one of the most attractive things on someone,  but there is a difference between confident and delusional!  Get a mirror and look in it... if your lumpy ass cheek is hanging out of your shorts... they should not be on your body!  If your crack is popping out the top of you pants, go change immediately!  Something else to beware of... when your pants fit everywhere but waist this is called a muffin top, but if you're a little on the larger side, you'll get a severe case referred to as an english muffing top. Believe me.... NO ONE wants to butter those nooks and crannies...

A little visual

Something I just want to throw out there... to all the ladies (big or small), please wear a bra... life is not a contest to see who's tata's hang the lowest.  I don't need to see your nippular area playing peek-a-boo with your waist band.

Been a little critical tonight, sorry to those who may be offended.  I guess if you're offended you're probably an offender.

Feel free to comment, follow, share and suggest topics :)


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Moobs and Mandles

Ok, so I've been gone for a while... I've been busy and too lazy in my free time to write.  Lets just blow past that and move on.

I would like to put a disclaimer on this post however...

I may have some very bad language in this.  If you're reading this... Sorry mom, and to anyone else... If you don't want cussing, don't read this one ;)

Just so you know, wearing mandles and sporting some massive moobs does not make you awesome!  Get you're stupid preppy ass back to Missouri or wherever you came from and leave me the hell alone!

A few friends and I play trivia weekly at a local bar and grill.  We're actually pretty good... well, I think I'm just there more the food and people watching since I don't do much answering.  Anyway, the summer crowd has joined in at this locale and it is really pissing me off!!  I don't care if you like to sail or a creative genius.  You are annoying.

To be a part of this "club" it seems you need to have a plain polo shirt (the silky kind of course), a pair of plaid shorts, some mandles and some moobs.  Now, the first three things are pretty easy to come by.  Like if I wanted to just join up, someone could loan me all of the first 3 and I would be all set... But to own your very own set of moobs is really something you have to work for.  They don't just appear.  I don't even know how you make them.  Maybe you get them if you don't lift anything in your life ever!

Then, they win all the time.  I know they probably know some things, but really... I call shenanigans! There is no way on this entire earth that you knew everything you got right without cheating and looking it up.  There is absolutely no fucking way!  I can see you.  I can tell by looking at you that there is no way.  You are really not fooling anyone.  You sit up there with your moobs and mandles and think you have everyone fooled... sorry to inform your unfortunately dressed ass... that is not the case.

I have to ask this one question... Do you own a fucking mirror?  I don't see how its possible that you do.  No one, not even your dumb ass can think you look that good.  Here are my suggestions for you... Get a mirror, look in it, then go shopping!  Maybe flip through a magazine first just so you can see what some of the styles are right now.  Then go to the gym.  I take that back, you don't have to go to the gym... you can just start lifting some soup cans or something.  Anything would help the massive moob take over that was happening at that table last night!  I thought I was on the set of a new movie called "Moobs Attacks".   That is not a place I want to be!!

Ok, enough ranting for now.  Feel free to comment, follow, share and suggest topics :)


Monday, May 7, 2012

April Showers bring... Spring Clean-up??

Ah, it's that time of year again... Spring  clean-up time!  No need to worry, you're not being stalked by a bunch of random people... you just have amazing trash!!  Get ready for the extra slow traffic on your road.  Here's an idea of what to look for...

 Notice the open car door.  It probably hasn't been shut the entire time they've been driving down this road.  Just in case they have to beat someone to some amazing find.  Now, these folks must not be looking for big items, there's no trailer hooked to their car.

I honestly really don't have a problem with most of the pickers.  Someones trash is an other's treasure.  My only requests are: 1) Please stop revving your engines as you go past my house.  I have a 3 year old trying to sleep.  2) Spring clean up is advertised.  Make sure you have an exhaust system that operates at a reasonable decibel.  Again, I have a toddler trying to sleep and most likely so am I.  3) Stay the heck out of my car and off my porch!!  Not all of my belongings are trash, or your treasure.

Be respectful and happy picking!

Monday, April 30, 2012


Well, apparently I've been too busy to post in a couple days.  Not really sure what I've been doing, but I feel like I've been busy.  I'm excited to say that today is the 1 week anniversary of this blog!  That's right folks, a whole week!  Hopefully I'll find something more fun to post about soon, I feel bad for the people who are reading this and are thinking this is incredibly boring.  I swear, through out my day, I come up with some funny stuff, but for some reason it doesn't translate well into this.

I was however just looking around on the internet and came across this picture from a stupid criminals site.

First of all, why on earth is this persons underwear on the roof?  I'll be a nice person and give them the benefit of the doubt and hope that it's because they like changed or something up there, but really, if you knew it was there, why didn't you just take it when you took the rest of your clothes?  And if it is the case that you forgot them, how did it happen 4 times?!?!

Now, not only did they leave 4 pairs of underwear on their roof, but they have told the world they have crabs.  I'd be more worried about the fact that no one is going to look at you the same way, than being upset with the person that was so pathetic they had to steal underpants.

I'm actually a little worried for this person.  They're so concerned with dirty underwear missing that it seems they have over looked the fact that someone was on their roof!!  Unless Santa stole them, I think there's a bigger problem here!  Maybe they should keep leaving dirty skivvies on their roof because if that's all that's missing it seems to be a good theft deterrent.

Well, at least this person can rest assured that when he hears news of someone falling off a roof in possession of some dirty undergarments, he'll know that Karma caught up with the thief!!

Ok, I'll leave you with this for now.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Kill Them with Kindness

Today's topic is from a friend.  It's about inconsiderate people.  I'm a generally nice person.  A "Silver lining" person if you will, but inconsiderate people just burn my biscuits! 

You know the kind of people I'm talking about.. the ones that see you only have like 3 things in your grocery cart and a fussy kid, but instead of letting you go first as you arrive at the same time to check out, they speed up those last few steps to jump in front of you...  Here's a way to get back at them: Take away the toy your kid is playing with.  That will teach them when they see what they have to listen to while checking out their heaping cart of groceries!

Here's another example.  The inconsiderate co-worker... These are the people who you help out when they need it but when you need something from them they're "too busy".  Here's an example: They work in a customer based position and you have a desk position that takes care of the paperwork end.  So when they're busy out on the floor, you get up and go help them catch up on all their work.  Then when you go back to work they don't even have the decency to bring you the item they are supposed to get to you as a part of their job!  Like seriously, you can't walk the 8 feet over to me to bring me the paper you are supposed to?  It's  a little harder to get back at these types... some sort of prank is usually in order here.

Then there's the inconsiderate neighbor...  These are the neighbors that are constantly doing something that gets on your nerves.  This could be something as silly as parking right at the edge of your driveway everyday, to having a dog that barks all day, to arguing so often and so loud that you can hear them with your windows closed.  It's hard to get back at these people a lot of the time because you don't want to disrupt the chemistry of the neighborhood, but I do have something for dealing with the neighbors that fight... For example, lets just say they are always fighting about forgetting to do the garbage.  When you see the neighbor in passing and you exchange your "Hi's" and waves, as you're about to walk in the house just finish up your small talk with "Alrighty, I'll talk to you later.  Oh, and don't forget it's garbage night."  Just enough of a comment to catch them off guard.  

There's so many other types of inconsiderate people to get into on here, but my best advise is to kill them with kindness... It really ticks them off!  ;)

Hope you all have a great night!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Two of a kind

Alright, so yesterday I had posted on my facebook  account that I had started a blog.  I posted the link and a few people read it and commented.  One comment in particular reminded me of story from when I was like 19 or 20.

 I used to go with my friends to Niagara Falls for weekend getaways all the time.  One weekend we were feeling pretty confident and decided to go get tattoos.  There were three of us and two of us knew our moms would go nuts if they found out.  Being late teens early 20's we went ahead and did it anyway.   The two of us got our tattoos but had them done where they could be easily hidden with our clothes (kinda defeats the purpose of the tattoo)... anyway... We were able to go for months without our parents seeing them!  I had only gotten a small butterfly that was about as big as a quarter, and she had gotten a little bit of a bigger one.  We both got them on our hips down far enough to be hidden by our pants.  Well, one day when my mom and I were arguing (which was a multiple times a day event at that point in time) she was upset with me for something so I said well, then I might as well show you this, and turned around and pulled my pants down far enough for her to see the tattoo! I'm quite surprised I didn't have to call the paramedics for both of us!  I thought for sure she was going to have a heart attack or beat me... either way we were going to need an ambulance.  She froze and then said "that not real is it?"  Needless to say, it didn't go over well and she gave me slack for it for a long time.  Now when my pants fall down or when I bend over I hear "Les, if we can see the butterfly, we can see too much!"

 All this brings me to what happened about a month or so ago.  My daughter and I were getting ready for showers in the bathroom and I had my back to her.  I had on pajama pants on and she was tugging on the waist of them so the butterfly was showing.  Her reaction was priceless!!  She gasped and says "Mommy, you have a butterfly on your butt!!"  Then she proceeded to try to wipe it off and tell me she had to get it off of there.  She really didn't ask me anything about it and it has since gone out of her mind, but I still get a kick out of it.

 My mom always used to say during those arguing days that she wishes I'd have one just like me... Well, this little girl seems to be a lot like me, so I think my mom got her wish! That's ok though, I think in the long run I turned out good, so that means that if I'm just like my mom, I'll have a good one too!!!


Wow, Learn how to use a computer Les...

Apparently I don't know how to use the app for this on my phone because I deleted my last post.  I'm going to repost it in a little bit since my hubby was awesome enough to leave the page open on his iPad.  Until I get up the energy to go and get the iPad, I'll leave you with this...

Tonight at dinner, my not even 3 year old said some funny stuff.  She's sitting there, looking at the drink menu and says "come on, take a load off."  No idea where she heard that one!  Then, we get our drinks and she leans on the table and says "So, what's on your mind?"  There was something else, but neither of us can remember it right now.  

Ok, maybe I'll get some ambition to re-post the one I deleted.  If not, I'll do it in the morning tomorrow.